Top 75 Things I Will Never Do As An Evil Overlord

1.  My evil plan to take over the world will include bathroom stops.

2.  While unleashing the power of Evil Incarnate, I will aptly forget that Evil really doesn't care if I unlocked it or not - all it wants to do is destroy, destroy, destroy.

3.  I would consider the Xanatos Gambit as unnecessarily complicated.

4.  When using the Xanatos Gambit I would remember to leave one tiny path the hero could exploit, just to give him hope.  I think it's amusing when he has hope.

5.  I would hire the dorkiest and most pathetic people I can find to be my soldiers.  It's a political move, of course.  Why else would I have the slogan, "I support dorks!"?

6.  I will not forget to give the immortal "MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laugh, even though I know the dorky side-kick is coming up behind me with a club.  I told you dorks were useful.

7.  I will give my goonies free wifi so they'll be distracted by Netflix while the heroes sneak past.

8.  I am not content with killing the hero.  He must become my minion captain, even though there's no real reason why he should join.

9.  I will set up increasingly difficult obstacles so that the hero will gain knowledge and be able to put up a real fight by the end.

10.  The minion I blinded thirty years ago will be exiled from my kingdom.  Nah, he probably won't come back as my hero's mentor.

11.  My minions will be of a superstitious breed.  The hero's not smart enough to even think he might be able to scare them out of their duties!

12.  The assassin I send after the hero will be young, beautiful/dashing, and of the opposite gender of the hero.  The assassin wouldn't dare fall in love with the hero, then spare his life - I paid her good money!

13.  If she doesn't betray me, and actually does kidnap the hero, I'm not going to waste my money on paying her or anything.  That would be stupid.  That would be honest . . .  No, I think I'll make a mortal enemy out of her by not paying her.  She wouldn't dare try to rescue the hero out of MY dungeon!

14.  My dungeons will have windows.

15.  I will lock the hero's love interest in the tallest tower of my fortress, even though I know the hero has a griffin.

16.  I will kill my best minion captain because he failed me once.  It's tradition.

17.  I will paint my minions' armor pure white, because it wouldn't make sense to hide my infamous harbingers of glory from sight.

18.  Minions who betray me will be rewarded for thinking outside the box.

19.  I believe in a fighting chance.

20.  (Reverse.  i.e. something I will do).  Any man or woman, girl or boy who has a tragic backstory will be executed.  Backstory that.

21.  (Reverse) While building my fortress, I will have magic spells put on the sewers making them faintfully stinky.

22.  I will wear a pink gibus.

23.  My shock troops will consist of klutzes.  As Jake points out they are beyond intuitive.

24.  I will wear a ring, so when I punch the hero, it will not only smash his face, but it'll break my finger!  Talk about double damage!

25.  If anyone challenges my Overlordicious Throne in full rebellion, I will wait patiently for him to train and gather an army before fighting him.  No sense in wasting my time and actually getting rid of him myself.

26.  When my goonie captains fail me, I'll hire a mercenary goonie captain to take their place.  Who cares if he has no loyalty to me!  He has loyalty to my coin.

27.  I will become enfattened and bloated on the meat and drink of my glory and wealth.

28.  When the hero is finally killed, I, with my villianously dashing heart, will assume that it was the truth when he told me he was dead.

29.  (Reverse) I will have my twin brother executed at birth.

30.  I will lead my armies into battle, valiantly, viciously, villianously!

31.  I will not make a copy of a map concerning the hidden passageways and tunnels of my castle.  The hero wouldn't dare sneak up through the sewers into my personal bedchambers through the toilet.

32.  When a callow youth's family is killed and his home burned to ashes by my Imperial Goonies, I will assume the boy didn't really care about his family, and not expect him to want revenge.

33.  Every minion I find to act suspiciously will go under rigorous testing.  My eight year old son will take a thirty-second interview with this character.  The verdict of my son will be final.  If he is declared a spy, he will be executed.  If he is not declared a spy, he will move on to the next level of investigation.  My crack team of thirteen year olds will represent "Yea" or "Nay".  If thirteen year old #1 wins a wrestling match, it is qualified as a "Yea."  If thirteen year old #2 wins the match, it is a "Nay."  If by chance the suspicious character passes even this tier, he will move onto the last and final one.  He will be lined against a wall and shot for good measure.

34.  Rebels will be given a fair trial and placed in a dungeon for a week.  If they are found to be guilty, then and ONLY then will they be executed.

35.  I will put all the details of taking over the world plans on a 1 Megabyte floppy disk on the top of my desk for convenience.

36.  When the hero wins a rigged contest I set up for him, I will advise the advisers who told me it was impossible to win, to take a try at the contest themselves.  If they fail, I guess its to the crocodile moat with them.

37.  I will not expect anyone to be angry with me for stealing all their things or forcing them into my army.

38.  The good king from whom I usurped the kingdom will be exiled.  He would be in a grieving state, I'm sure, so execution is a bit far.

39.  In the process of taking over the world, I won't give a care when I order ten thousand soldiers to destroy themselves by not retreating.  I mean, who needs several brigades of well-trained, well-equipped warriors when I have my klutzes at hand?

40.  I will always fly low in my helicopter when the hero is dangling on a rope beneath.

41.  I will treat my pet crocodile harshly so that he will be eager to eat me when I trip and fall in the moat.

42.  Once I kill the hero, I won't expect him to come back to life even though his lover kisses him and places the Stone of Love on his chest.  I'm sure it's just some ritual the barbaric tribes practice before cremation.

43.  I will not trust my loyal captains military advice.  If you want anything done your way, you have to do it yourself, is what I say!

44.  Top Priority of the Day:  Rewatch Frozen.

45.  Before putting my ultimate plan of total world domination into action, I will watch animated series such as Kim Possible, Jackie Chan Adventures and Gargoyles to make sure the old pro villains in them would approve of the plan.

46.  I will paint my castle pink to throw off the invaders.

47.  All my captains will be versed in the art of flamenco dancing.

48.  Every time there is a mistake, someone will be executed.

49.  The Imperial seal will be that of me petting a rainbow unicorn sitting atop a balancing ball on the nose of a professional sea lion.

50.  When a band of entertainers come in, I will not expect the worst of them.  Even though there has never ever been such a group here (because these are the Dark Lands), I will trust them and invite them in.

51.  I will make a list of 100 things I will never do as Evil Overlord of Your Pathetic Hairball Lives.

52.  My Imperial Klutzes will be trained in the art of being stupid so that a teenager could simply waltz into my fortress, outwitting and outswordsmanshipping them all.

53.  Open-mindedness is for children.

54.  Can't teach an old dog new tricks!

55.  Overall I will be very nasty in life because I had a bad upbringing.  Yes, that's why I have to murder my minions when I am in fits of anger.

56.  I have no remorse because I am just that soulless.  I mean, how else is the reader going to root when my head is cut off?

57.  I will wear black clothes and a hoodie so that my eyes are dark.  I like the dark.  Also, I'm emo.

58.  I am a Whovian.  It's pretty much a part of the job description.  Of being human.

59.  I am a Let It Goian.  It's pretty much a part of the job description.  Of being sane.

60.  I am a Derp.  It's pretty much a part of the job description.  Of being a villain.

61.  Instead of DARPA, my advanced research center will be named DERPA.

62.  Free donuts in the cafeteria every Saturday for my Imperial Minions!

63.  My personal regiment of Goonie Guards will be trained by airsoft to keep training costs down.

64.  (Reverse) My ambush team will have a counter-ambush division in case the hero ambushes the ambush.

65.  When by Imperial Misnomers kill the hero, I will fully trust them and not expect the hero to actually be alive.

66.  My brains are in my stomach.

67.  If they aren't, I will be surgically mutated so that they are.

68.  I will personally march into battle with my Imperial Klutzes.  I will certainly not use a robot look-alike to take my place.

69.  I will personally oversee the installment of my new tiddy bear.

70.  I will rename myself something grand.  Something ferocious.  Something villainous.  Perhaps Morning Glory Peach Blossom.  Yes, I like the sound of that.

71.  A Brony would never betray his colors.  I fight for villainousity, I fight for an evil empire, I fight for My Little Pony!

72.  I will not move out of New York City, even though if I did, Spiderman wouldn't be able to ruin my plans every single time.

73.  Put all my power into a ring, so that if it's destroyed everything blows up.

74.  (Reverse) My lead scholar will right a book about me.  And for once, the villain will win!  MWHAHAHA!

75.  I MUST have only the best of Girl Scout Cookies delivered to my door.

Antagonists - Part IV

Welcome to the fourth and final post on, yes, antagonists.  This time, however, it's not going to be me giving you advice, rather, this post is more of a resource dump.  For antagonistic motives.  I know I went over a few in Part 2, but there are literally hundreds more.

1.  To Distinguish Oneself

2.  Greed

4.  Power Trip

5.  Sheer Insanity

6.  Fanatical Reformer

7.  Patriotism 

8.  Survival

9.  Wrongfully Accused

10.  Undercover Good Guy

11.  Brainwashed

12.  Ignorant Obedience

13.  Action Junkie

14.  Family Traditions

15.  Romance

16.  Envy

17.  To Fit In/Gain Acceptance

18.  Justice

19.  Fear

20.  Desperation

21.  Social Cohesion

22.  A Desire To Better Humanity/Society

23.  To Escape One's Destiny

24.  To Achieve One's Destiny/Fulfill A Prophecy

25.  Drama/Trama

26.  Pride

27.  Loneliness

28.  Oppression

29.  The Want To Make Others Know How Painful His Life Has Been

30.  Paranoia

And you know one of the greatest things also about motives is that there is an endless supply of them.  If none of the above "click" with you villain, the best motive could also be the same as your hero's.  Like I've said before, it's how the villain tries to achieve his goal that makes hero and villain so different.

Question or comment?  Want to know what a specific motive means?  Post below, I will reply.

~R. A. H. Thacker

Antagonists - Part III

Welcome to the third and not-quite-the-last post of my series on antagonists.  As I said yesterday, we're going to be going into the evil acts your villain commits.  (Just as a note, this is going to be child friendly post - as all the others are as well, just to clear up any possible misconceptions.)

Now that you have a villain with a definite category, we get to the major brainstorming stage.  You likely have a fairly clear idea as to why he is motivated to make your hero's life miserable, this post is all about enhancing it.

As any tactician of war would know, you must know who your enemy is if you are to win.  That was allegedly part of what brought Napoleon Bonaparte down - the Duke of Wellington had fought him too much and learned who he was and what he did on the battlefield.

Such is the same with our antagonist.  But we also need to know the hero.  Assuming you have a clear and well developed idea of who your hero is, this shouldn't be a problem.

Why?  Because somewhere along the lines of building the protagonist of your story you had to hit a sensitive subject - at least for the hero.  Somewhere along the line, you had to hit that spot where it hurt.  The hero's fears.  Dreads.  Terrors.  What he hated, what he feared - all that good stuff.

Those are the things that your villain must exploit.  Your villain has to be clever.  A mastermind - brilliant beyond the normal man.  And he has to exploit that and ruin the hero's dreams.  No, this isn't just another obstacle for the hero to overcome - this, this, is the point it all hangs on.  And this is when the journey looks like it was a total waste of time - and their lives were put to waste.

And remember that sometimes evil does win.  And it triumphs over good, and crushes it under the black hoof.  And all hope is gone, and evil is reigning.

At least for now.

~R. A. H. Thacker

Antagonists - Part II

Welcome back!  This second part of antagonists will be devoted solely to finding the right motive for your antagonist.

Let me talk briefly about motives in general before we analyze individually.

As I said in the last post, antagonists are not evil people, they are people doing evil things and being corrupted by evil.  If they're really and truly evil people, they'll likely be pretty bland.  Blech.  We don't want that for our villains, now do we?  No, because then we'll end up with a diluted Sauron, and honestly, what was it that made Sauron such a great villain?  Was he really even a great villain at all?  I'm inclined to say no.  We know little about the great Eye, want he wants (aside from world domination - but wait, what does he want from world domination?), or why he wants it.

In general 'purely evil' antagonists are major spills.  Galbatorix, from The Inheritance Cycle, was an undeveloped villain with a common motive and a common goal.  He wasn't interesting - all we see him doing is ordering around a bunch of Urgals and torturing people.  So I'm going to put Ol' Galby in the fail section as well - not to say he didn't serve Paolini's position, he did that well, but when an antagonist fits perfectly into a pre-designed plot, that pretty much means he laid down plans so he himself could get caught in the end.

Right, so now we can get a bit closer in on one of the areas that makes a great villain.  I'll start off with a list of motives and look at them analytically.

But first, I'm going to leave out the topic of Revenge out.  Why?  Not because it's a 'bad' motive that you shouldn't use (whatever works best for you is what you should do, this is all just advice), no, it's because Revenge has more than a dozen sub categories of it's own, many of which are listed below.

1.  To Distinguish Oneself - The beat up little kid from middle school now turned into a supervillain?  Not realistic enough?  Maybe this motive thrown into the gears could give it a bit more of a flare.

2.  Greed - As one great writer said, although this is a realistic motive, it's far too one dimensional and overused.  Greed is often used for anti-heroes.  But not truly greedy, just kinda greedy.  This is because they don't want their anti-heroes to be evil.  Well, like I said, antagonists are people who are doing evil things - this goes also for anti-heroes.  Or maybe you don't want to go all the way to evil things, but you need to.  No one can be 'lukewarm' when thrust into bad situations.  It's hot or cold, and you have to go all the way for your characters, at least for now.

4.  Power Trip (including Megalomania) - You can pretty much tell where this one is going.  It's the same basic idea of sheer insanity though.

5.  Sheer Insanity - Likely the most well known example is the Joker from The Dark Knight.  He is a superb example of sheer insanity.

6.  Fanatical Reformer - Does he want a world Hitler-esque?  Maybe he actually wants to help the poor in an oppressive nation, but he uses evil methods to do so.

7.  Patriotism - So fifty years into the future a President is assassinated.  The Vice President comes in as President and vows to hunt the assassins down to the end of the Earth.  (Yes, even villains can fit into that situation that would seem like a good choice.)  Of course, you can put any spin you want on that.  Patriotism is an interesting concept for sure.  Patriotism could also go for loyalty.  May hap your villain is so loyal to his family he tries to kill the hero for somehow effecting them. 

8.  Survival - Ever think that the villain might just be wanting to survive?  That's it, no power trips?

9.  Wrongfully Accused - A hero labeled to be an evil power?  An innocent decoy from the real problem?

10.  Undercover Good Guy - Unless he didn't actually harm anyone during his regime, this would be hard to explain if he killed any innocents.  But neither this nor wrongfully accused would work for the evil boss of them all.

11.  Brainwashed - Only for enemy sidekicks.  It can also explain number 12 well, though.

12.  Ignorant Obedience - Best for a villain subordinate, this can lead to an interesting twist if the character realized he's just mindlessly obeying his leader and doing wrong things just because of his ignorance.

13.  Action Junkie - This goes with the Joker-esque pretty well, but could be separate of plain insanity and a power trip.

14.  Family Traditions - A headhunting tradition every Halloween?  (No, really, a headhunting, where they hunt for heads as trophies.)  Bounty hunting operations?  There's a vault stock full of golden promise in this motive.

15.  Romance - Yes, the antagonist could 'fall in love' with someone the hero knows or cares about.  This is a great ploy if his objective is to lure our hero into his base after whom the villain 'fell in love' with.  Or possibly to inherit a great amount of wealth or some other important asset.  But, if the antagonist truly 'falls in love' with someone who he had originally intended to use as a pawn on a greater board, it can stick him in a very awkward position.  That also delves deeper into the character, which is always for the best.

And the list goes on.  But really, I can't brief even half of the possible options in a series of twenty posts.  Whatever motive you choose, make sure it fits the villain.  For example, if your antagonist were a geeky nerd with insane and lethal science experiment products, he likely wouldn't be much of an action junkie, unless it's a secret he's held in his heart for all his life.

Pick one of the motives and assign him to your character.  Perhaps he's sounding a little more nefarious now, but if not, there's still more to come.

Tomorrow we'll be exploring the evil acts of an up and running villain.  In the mean time, work on your antagonist's past.  Bullied at school?  That's kiddie, cliche stuff.  Your villain needs more, more.  Put him through terrors worse than anything you created before.  Why?  Because not every kid who's bullied at school tries to take over the world - and nearly succeeds.

~R. A. H. Thacker
(Yes, I just gave you homework in that last paragraph.)

Antagonists - Part I

A series on the subject of antagonists, villains, ruffians, and sheer evilness begins here, at the beginning, where it should start.  Part I.

Now antagonists and plots are about my two favorite things in any story.  I find that antagonists often end up as my favorite characters.

It isn't because I'm some bloodthirsty maniac.  It isn't because I enjoy being evil.  It isn't because I want to grow up to be some villain myself.

No, I'm interested in villains largely for one reason.  Their motive (that and a good villain is really enjoyable to read...).  And how they play out their actions to complete their goals.  Brian Jacques's villains are superb, no one could say Cluny the Scourge is boring.  No one could say Badrang of Marshank is bland.  The Joker, from The Dark Knight, he too ranks up in some of my favorite villains.  Why is this?  Because he's brilliant.  They're all brilliant.  Insane, yes, but brilliant.  And a villain who just lays elaborate plans so he himself can end up losing is just ridiculous - but that's what the villains are.  Ridiculous.  A few villains are really and truly smart.  The rest?  They don't give any meaning to the story.  They should be scrapped.

So, let's create a villain.  Right here, right now.

First, we need, just like every other character, two attributes (or good traits) and one flaw.  We'll build on this later, but first you need to remember a villain is not an evil person, but a person who is doing evil things and being corrupted by evil.  (Unless you're going with a Sauron style villain, which at them moment I advise you not to do.  More on this later.)

Second, we need a dastardly evil thing he does.  You already have something good if you used my character plot form a post back.  But if you're completely out of ideas, start from the beginning.  What's something really evil someone could do to hurt your main character?  Think about it.

Now what can he do to hurt the world?

And finally (most importantly), what's his motive?  Revenge is the most common.  Try something new, but don't go for the old cliche 'just pure evil', unless you can pull that off really well and you know it.  The Joker was a perfect example of insanity and pure evil.  But I advise you to come up with something else.  You could try the villain who honestly thinks he's helping the world (though I advise you to be wary of this one as well, more about this in the next part), or maybe he feels guilty (there are quite a few promising ideas for this one), or maybe it's in an effort to redeem himself, or save his oppressed people (using evil methods, granted).  There are endless reasons.

But whatever the reason, make sure the motive is something realistic.  Give your hero and your villain the same motive for a toss up.  The key thing is to show how the antagonist reacts to things differently - in a twisted, evil way.  For good reason - maybe his parents were massacred by the ruling government - but what he does must be evil.

So what do we have?  An evil act, two traits and one flaw, and a motive.  Excellent start.  In the next post we will be going much more in depth with the antagonist motives, and briefly also touch on his past.

~R. A. H. Thacker

Terror-r-rible Tuesdays!

W-welcome to Terror-r-rible Tuesday, the day we post the most terrible, horrific, and basically plain ol' scary character we know.  Your character must be bloodcurdling - but the most terrible villains aren't just simply evil killers, they are terrors in psychological powers as well - now THAT'S what makes you shiver when you hear the name Rigou from Little Dorrit.

So what's the villain you hate, fear - or even respect through fear - the most?  Is the villain so real you can almost feel his presence behind you?  Pick the villain that sends shivers down your spine - yet maybe you have no idea how to explain why.  And as a second challenge, if you write stories yourself, pick your scariest, most well-developed villain you've made.

Or give it a twist.  Terrible Tuesdays can be about anyone.  What if the character just happened to be your freakish hero?

So what is mine?  The character who gives me the absolute creeps is Rigou, from the BBC broadcast of Little Dorrit.

And what about my own characters?  There could be no other man that literally freezes the marrow in bones than Darian Koth.  Leader of the Forecasters, the evil, barbaric magicians seeking to sap all the world of its magic... and the dragons with it.

 Darian Koth. 

Post your character below.  Choose wisely - Sauron won't be happy if someone doesn't pick him.

~R. A. H. Thacker