Friday, May 2, 2014

Top 75 Things I Will Never Do As An Evil Overlord

1.  My evil plan to take over the world will include bathroom stops.

2.  While unleashing the power of Evil Incarnate, I will aptly forget that Evil really doesn't care if I unlocked it or not - all it wants to do is destroy, destroy, destroy.

3.  I would consider the Xanatos Gambit as unnecessarily complicated.

4.  When using the Xanatos Gambit I would remember to leave one tiny path the hero could exploit, just to give him hope.  I think it's amusing when he has hope.

5.  I would hire the dorkiest and most pathetic people I can find to be my soldiers.  It's a political move, of course.  Why else would I have the slogan, "I support dorks!"?

6.  I will not forget to give the immortal "MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laugh, even though I know the dorky side-kick is coming up behind me with a club.  I told you dorks were useful.

7.  I will give my goonies free wifi so they'll be distracted by Netflix while the heroes sneak past.

8.  I am not content with killing the hero.  He must become my minion captain, even though there's no real reason why he should join.

9.  I will set up increasingly difficult obstacles so that the hero will gain knowledge and be able to put up a real fight by the end.

10.  The minion I blinded thirty years ago will be exiled from my kingdom.  Nah, he probably won't come back as my hero's mentor.

11.  My minions will be of a superstitious breed.  The hero's not smart enough to even think he might be able to scare them out of their duties!

12.  The assassin I send after the hero will be young, beautiful/dashing, and of the opposite gender of the hero.  The assassin wouldn't dare fall in love with the hero, then spare his life - I paid her good money!

13.  If she doesn't betray me, and actually does kidnap the hero, I'm not going to waste my money on paying her or anything.  That would be stupid.  That would be honest . . .  No, I think I'll make a mortal enemy out of her by not paying her.  She wouldn't dare try to rescue the hero out of MY dungeon!

14.  My dungeons will have windows.

15.  I will lock the hero's love interest in the tallest tower of my fortress, even though I know the hero has a griffin.

16.  I will kill my best minion captain because he failed me once.  It's tradition.

17.  I will paint my minions' armor pure white, because it wouldn't make sense to hide my infamous harbingers of glory from sight.

18.  Minions who betray me will be rewarded for thinking outside the box.

19.  I believe in a fighting chance.

20.  (Reverse.  i.e. something I will do).  Any man or woman, girl or boy who has a tragic backstory will be executed.  Backstory that.

21.  (Reverse) While building my fortress, I will have magic spells put on the sewers making them faintfully stinky.

22.  I will wear a pink gibus.

23.  My shock troops will consist of klutzes.  As Jake points out they are beyond intuitive.

24.  I will wear a ring, so when I punch the hero, it will not only smash his face, but it'll break my finger!  Talk about double damage!

25.  If anyone challenges my Overlordicious Throne in full rebellion, I will wait patiently for him to train and gather an army before fighting him.  No sense in wasting my time and actually getting rid of him myself.

26.  When my goonie captains fail me, I'll hire a mercenary goonie captain to take their place.  Who cares if he has no loyalty to me!  He has loyalty to my coin.

27.  I will become enfattened and bloated on the meat and drink of my glory and wealth.

28.  When the hero is finally killed, I, with my villianously dashing heart, will assume that it was the truth when he told me he was dead.

29.  (Reverse) I will have my twin brother executed at birth.

30.  I will lead my armies into battle, valiantly, viciously, villianously!

31.  I will not make a copy of a map concerning the hidden passageways and tunnels of my castle.  The hero wouldn't dare sneak up through the sewers into my personal bedchambers through the toilet.

32.  When a callow youth's family is killed and his home burned to ashes by my Imperial Goonies, I will assume the boy didn't really care about his family, and not expect him to want revenge.

33.  Every minion I find to act suspiciously will go under rigorous testing.  My eight year old son will take a thirty-second interview with this character.  The verdict of my son will be final.  If he is declared a spy, he will be executed.  If he is not declared a spy, he will move on to the next level of investigation.  My crack team of thirteen year olds will represent "Yea" or "Nay".  If thirteen year old #1 wins a wrestling match, it is qualified as a "Yea."  If thirteen year old #2 wins the match, it is a "Nay."  If by chance the suspicious character passes even this tier, he will move onto the last and final one.  He will be lined against a wall and shot for good measure.

34.  Rebels will be given a fair trial and placed in a dungeon for a week.  If they are found to be guilty, then and ONLY then will they be executed.

35.  I will put all the details of taking over the world plans on a 1 Megabyte floppy disk on the top of my desk for convenience.

36.  When the hero wins a rigged contest I set up for him, I will advise the advisers who told me it was impossible to win, to take a try at the contest themselves.  If they fail, I guess its to the crocodile moat with them.

37.  I will not expect anyone to be angry with me for stealing all their things or forcing them into my army.

38.  The good king from whom I usurped the kingdom will be exiled.  He would be in a grieving state, I'm sure, so execution is a bit far.

39.  In the process of taking over the world, I won't give a care when I order ten thousand soldiers to destroy themselves by not retreating.  I mean, who needs several brigades of well-trained, well-equipped warriors when I have my klutzes at hand?

40.  I will always fly low in my helicopter when the hero is dangling on a rope beneath.

41.  I will treat my pet crocodile harshly so that he will be eager to eat me when I trip and fall in the moat.

42.  Once I kill the hero, I won't expect him to come back to life even though his lover kisses him and places the Stone of Love on his chest.  I'm sure it's just some ritual the barbaric tribes practice before cremation.

43.  I will not trust my loyal captains military advice.  If you want anything done your way, you have to do it yourself, is what I say!

44.  Top Priority of the Day:  Rewatch Frozen.

45.  Before putting my ultimate plan of total world domination into action, I will watch animated series such as Kim Possible, Jackie Chan Adventures and Gargoyles to make sure the old pro villains in them would approve of the plan.

46.  I will paint my castle pink to throw off the invaders.

47.  All my captains will be versed in the art of flamenco dancing.

48.  Every time there is a mistake, someone will be executed.

49.  The Imperial seal will be that of me petting a rainbow unicorn sitting atop a balancing ball on the nose of a professional sea lion.

50.  When a band of entertainers come in, I will not expect the worst of them.  Even though there has never ever been such a group here (because these are the Dark Lands), I will trust them and invite them in.

51.  I will make a list of 100 things I will never do as Evil Overlord of Your Pathetic Hairball Lives.

52.  My Imperial Klutzes will be trained in the art of being stupid so that a teenager could simply waltz into my fortress, outwitting and outswordsmanshipping them all.

53.  Open-mindedness is for children.

54.  Can't teach an old dog new tricks!

55.  Overall I will be very nasty in life because I had a bad upbringing.  Yes, that's why I have to murder my minions when I am in fits of anger.

56.  I have no remorse because I am just that soulless.  I mean, how else is the reader going to root when my head is cut off?

57.  I will wear black clothes and a hoodie so that my eyes are dark.  I like the dark.  Also, I'm emo.

58.  I am a Whovian.  It's pretty much a part of the job description.  Of being human.

59.  I am a Let It Goian.  It's pretty much a part of the job description.  Of being sane.

60.  I am a Derp.  It's pretty much a part of the job description.  Of being a villain.

61.  Instead of DARPA, my advanced research center will be named DERPA.

62.  Free donuts in the cafeteria every Saturday for my Imperial Minions!

63.  My personal regiment of Goonie Guards will be trained by airsoft to keep training costs down.

64.  (Reverse) My ambush team will have a counter-ambush division in case the hero ambushes the ambush.

65.  When by Imperial Misnomers kill the hero, I will fully trust them and not expect the hero to actually be alive.

66.  My brains are in my stomach.

67.  If they aren't, I will be surgically mutated so that they are.

68.  I will personally march into battle with my Imperial Klutzes.  I will certainly not use a robot look-alike to take my place.

69.  I will personally oversee the installment of my new tiddy bear.

70.  I will rename myself something grand.  Something ferocious.  Something villainous.  Perhaps Morning Glory Peach Blossom.  Yes, I like the sound of that.

71.  A Brony would never betray his colors.  I fight for villainousity, I fight for an evil empire, I fight for My Little Pony!

72.  I will not move out of New York City, even though if I did, Spiderman wouldn't be able to ruin my plans every single time.

73.  Put all my power into a ring, so that if it's destroyed everything blows up.

74.  (Reverse) My lead scholar will right a book about me.  And for once, the villain will win!  MWHAHAHA!

75.  I MUST have only the best of Girl Scout Cookies delivered to my door.


  1. HAHA! Did you seriously write that!? That's AWESOME!

    1. Yup, I wrote them all, haha. It took a while, though.

  2. Lol, these are great!
    Faves are 10, 73, 5, 12, and 14.

  3. Haha! Hilarious. :D Have you ever read the Evil Overlord list? It has 100+ rules about what Evil Overlords should and shouldn't do. ^_^

    By the way, you've been awarded the Liebster Award!


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